i haven't blogged lately. i could rattle off a bunch of excuses why... and none of them would be true.
the real reason... because i am fucking sad. and i have an insane desire to be alone right now.
i don't know how to be right now. i feel lost.
please don't mistake all of that for depressed. I have been depressed before. like the kind of depressed where they give you medication...and not just to give it to you... its because you need it. that is not what is going on.
something happens to you when you lose a baby. something different than any other loss i have ever experienced. all of my losses have changed me... this one...
broke me.
and i will glue my pieces back together, but i will always have cracks- i will never be the same.
today sucked.
it hurt real bad.
my bosses wife is pregnant.... i am incredibly happy for them. but it does make me think about everything all over again.
he posted a video of the babies heartbeat- (quick break- before i finish this story... i am in no way, shape or form mad at him for my reaction. i am beyond happy for him) back to the story....
it was beautiful. but the moment i saw that video (which i didn't try to watch - thank you facebook for autoplay) i was taken right back to the moment my heart broke.
tears and extreme sadness followed. and have continued on and off all day.
its just crazy. because honestly- i didn't know that him and his wife being pregnant would bring up this many feelings. i knew it would be hard...but not this hard.
i love him a lot. He is my work husband. and one of my best friends. and i am very happy for them.
i just wish my happiness for them could overshadow the sadness and painful memories.
i am done writing now. i will try to write more often.
