earned my strips

i have not been thinking much. i haven't blogged, and in fact i haven't even taken care of myself.

i have been sick for 3 weeks now. moved to a new place, and worked the whole time.

today i am having a pretty good body day... like it's not bad, but it's not great either.

i guess in general i am in this complacent state.  just neutral. a little dissociative too. the only time i am feeling real content and solid is when i am home, with camerin.

the good things that have happened lately is gaining some more acceptance of my body. i have been looking at it in a slightly different way, a less judging way. it feels nice.

i have been looking at a lot of things for inspiration in that aspect of my life. one of the pictures i stumbled upon showed a womens stretch marks, and had text on it that said "i'm a tiger who has earned her strips". I liked that a lot. i need to accept my stretch marks and loose skin for what they are. They are more than anything my battle scars, that represent all the torment, teasing, and the lowest points that i have climbed myself out of. they show how strong i really am.

These Are My Strips...

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Bad Ed day

Ed is pretty loud- but to be honest he isn't lying too much.

He is telling me I am fat... But I know I am not fat... But he is also telling me I should work out more- which I completely agree with him on

He is also telling me that beer doesn't feel good in my body, or maybe my body is telling is telling me that, but it's easier to believe its Ed

Pizza also doesn't feel good in my body. I have the beginning of heartburn, And feel extremely heavy... Pizza is not a good choice for me

My brain is so confused.

I actually think I miss my eating disorder... To be honest...

It felt easier then...

Bloating

Probably one of the most annoying things ever.

Barely hungry- but continue to eat because I am trying to get better.

I look huge. I hate this so much... I feel like never eating again....

Laura Jane Grace

Fair warning: this has nothing to do with food or my eating disorder. Just some thoughts after an amazing show....

Last night me and my husband went to see Against Me in concert. It was hands down one of the most amazing shows i have ever been too. Recently Against Me's lead singer came out as transgendered, and has changed her name to Laura Jane Grace. this is something that hits home for me and camerin.

Camerin is transgendered, and although he doesn't live his life as a women, he has both sides of him. He is almost gender neutral in a way. It's like it is just something that doesn't need to be defined. It is fluid.

Seeing Laura perform on stage while Candice stood beside me looking so beautiful was an experience unlike anything i have experienced. To see the smile on Laura's face as she sang, and to truly feel her happiness and energy, and to see that translating to my Candice- meant the world to me.

it was simply an amazing experience that i can't get out of my head. and it feels inspiring. Inspiring to be brave, and to fight, and make a difference.

amazing