Drinking

Having a Disney movie marathon with my brother while drinking. Super fun.

The urge to binge is super strong right now... Like it always does when I drink.

I need to remember that. I become weaker when I have been drinking... And I have been fighting too hard and too long to let one night of drinking ruin it.

Be strong Chelsea.

You are strong, confident and very beautiful...

I am strong, confident and very beautiful...

I AM STRONG, CONFIDENT AND VERY BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Feeling weird

I feel off today. Ed is talking... And I just feel exhausted. Drained. I don't feel like fighting him right now. I want him to just be quiet.

I advance tomorrow. Which I am excited for, but I am nervous too... It makes it real... After tomorrow I really will be more accountable and will be doing more of this on my own.

I believe I can do it, but I just don't feel like it right now. I feel like crying and I don't really know why.

My monthly visitor is right around the corner- so I am sure that has something to do with all of this.

Last week I felt so confident...I want that back.

Obsessed With The Beauty Contest...

i love this No Doubt song... So much.

Beauty Contest:

Damsel in distress is quite submissive
Look how somber my vanity is
A feminine human creature
Superficial, seducing detour

I'm going to the mall for the cookie cutter
The ugly duckling will always suffer
Contaminated standards, I try to fight it
I better get back on my diet

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Beauty contest
I'm obsessed

Reduce myself, I got the strict restrictions
Not sexy enough without the regulations
A melting point countdown the fading features
Born to blossom and bloom to perish

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Oh, I've got to get out of this mess
Beauty contest
I'm obsessed
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/no+doubt/beauty+contest_20101424.html ]
And I've fallen, I can't help myself
I'm feeling envious of all the rest
You're bringing out the lemming in me
A victim of the cattle call disease
Not easy to be me

I feel swollen

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Obsessed with the beauty contest

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
I've got to get out of this mess
Obsessed with the beauty contest

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest

And I feel swollen
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
My vanity's a mess

Advancing

My insurance decided they would no longer pay for my treatment. So I will be advancing to outpatient treatment. I was told this might happen a few weeks ago- but I didn't think it ever would. I was all worked up about it, but now that it's here... I am not that upset. It sucks for sure, but there is nothing I can do except move forward and keep focused on my recovery. They can take away my treatment, but they can't take away my recovery.

I feel more confident about it then I thought I would. It will be a challenge- but I will make it through. I want recovery more then anything- so I know I will get there.

Struggle

Every meal is a struggle.

Every bite is a struggle.

When will I be free?

I just want to enjoy things- like everyone else.

Ed is talking

I can hear him. Loud and clear. But I will not give in.

It takes every ounce of energy I have to not binge right now....

I will make it through and be stronger tomorrow because I made it through today.

Ed will not win.

I will.